My Queef Confession

I began seeing a person, and after solely two weeks of courting, he took me away for the weekend as a birthday present. It was all journey and romance. Waterfalls, good dinners, a sizzling tub. We have been actually attending to know one another, and the intercourse was nice.

That’s, till our middle-aged intercourse went so fallacious I needed to die. By that I imply I queefed proper in his face. In case you’re questioning how that may occur, let me enlighten you.

We’d simply had a day delight, doggie model with my bum within the air and plenty of pulling all the way in which and pushing again in, which was nice and all, however I did not end. So he was in place to please me orally, which was going very well till out of nowhere my vagina betrayed me. What got here out of my, um, Whispering Cave not solely made him leap so excessive he nearly hit his head on the ceiling, it scared the hell out of me. My Celebration Balloon deflated with a vengeance simply as he was about to dive into my buffet.

That’s the factor about queefing. You may’t really feel it coming so there’s no warning. You can also’t maintain it like you possibly can with a fart as I’m positive you’re conscious. Gotta love your labia.

So, after my Hoo-ha Harmonica performed a bit of music, and I buried my face within the pillow, we needed to discuss it. I couldn’t cowl it with a cough. I couldn’t faux it didn’t occur. I couldn’t blame it on him. I couldn’t precisely run out of there bare into the road, however that’s precisely what I needed to do.

“ what that was, proper? It wasn’t my butt trumpet,” I mentioned. My face was ablaze. I didn’t assume I may ever have a look at him once more.

It could’ve helped if he laughed, however he didn’t. He merely replied, “I do know. Let’s take a bathe and we will end there?”

Honest sufficient. I imply, I queefed so loud it rattled the home windows and I’d in all probability wish to scrub that reminiscence off my face, too.

However that is the place issues obtained worse. A lot worse.

As quickly as I sat as much as head for the bathe, one other eruption occurred. My vagina had actually changed into a whoopie cushion at a child’s party. All I may do was go along with it. Let the air out of my tire. Each motion, each step, was like a sound verify for a center faculty brass band. I used to be on the mercy of this wind instrument between my legs.

I marched to the bathe with my very own private tuba part between my legs. I simply needed the humiliation to finish. I had no thought my pearl chamber may maintain a lot air, however I attempted to seductively stroll my manner out of it, however that’s not possible when there’s a balloon animal manufacturing facility between your legs.

“This isn’t perfect,” I mentioned as I queefed my manner into the lavatory. “I believe it’s best to go away till I deflate, as a result of I’m not certified to deal with this sort of humiliation any longer.”

To that, he mentioned. “Nicely, I’m fairly positive I’m the one who put the air in there.”

“Very true,” I mentioned as I virtually kicked him out of the lavatory and shut the door. I used to be being held hostage by my very personal vaginal air compressor.

I sat on the bathroom, bare and alone, and let my bagpipes take over my physique as a result of there was no silencing them. This went on for a number of minutes and I vowed that day that there could be no extra doggie model. No extra permitting a person to tug all the way in which out then come at me once more. Nothing was value this sort of embarrassment.

Once I referred to as my finest good friend to inform about my newfound expertise, I used to be on the lookout for consolation and reassurance. She laughed so onerous she went silent, the sort of snigger the place she was making an attempt to steal air and couldn’t catch her breath. When she was lastly capable of catch her breath, she shouted, “STOP, I can’t—” after which she actually peed in her pants. Like a full-on lack of bladder management.

So then we’re each traumatized, however for various causes.

Some folks have a signature snigger, some have a signature dance transfer. Apparently my factor is a vagina that may clear a room. Fortunate me.

However hey, at the very least I didn’t pee my pants.

Diana Park is a author who finds solitude in a superb guide, the ocean, and consuming quick meals along with her youngsters.